Sugarcane

The doctor tuts, sympathetic. He says, "It's not the nicest in the world, but it's better than going through the whole thing with your eyes wide open!"\n\n[[Nod.]]

<html>rounder</html>

<html>softer</html>

Standing up is a joy in this body, this wonderful body. You feel as if you were born to stand in this body. In fact, you feel a strange sense of //deja vu.//\n\nStill checked by the anxiety gnawing your guts, you stumble over to the door and ease it open. Beyond lies a narrow [[hallway.|The hall]]<<set $room = 1>><<set $poster = 0>>

The room falls silent. Its colours are muted. You play with your new hands.\n\nAfter a while, the ==witch== doctor gestures to the body on the floor and mutters, "I was expecting you to ask after this one."\n\n[[Nod.|Is Kipper okay?]]

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Your euphoria crashes headlong into a stomach-sick lurch, as if you'd left the gas on or the front door unlocked.\n\nYou look around, but you're alone in the bed. Your cast-off shell, and Kipper within it, have been moved [[elsewhere.|Elsewhere]]

He looks up to greet you with an odd half-smile. He says, "Back with us, yeah? How're you feelin'?"\n\n==<html>Okay.</html>== / ==<html>Horrible.</html>== / [[Amazing.]]

Onions. Grease. Euch.\n\n[[Sip it.]] / [[Drink it down.]]

The doctor tuts, sympathetic. [[He says,|Not the nicest]]

<<if $imokay eq false and $thankyou eq false>>The doctor<<else>>He<<endif>> hesitates. "Can't say for sure yet," he shrugs, "but don't fret. It's not a big deal."\n\nThe sight of [[that body]]

Normal sleep, not the oblivion of anaesthesia. A dream about [[snow,|Snow dream]] perhaps a [[man,|Man dream]] the outline of a [[star...|Star dream]]\n\n[[Roll over and wake up.]]

He presses a mug into your hands. [[He says,|Drink that up]]

<<timedinsert 2s>>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.25s>>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.5s>>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 2.75s>>.<<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 3s>>.<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 5s>>[[oh]]<<endtimedinsert>>

<<timedinsert 1s>>written by [[kevin mcgowan|http://thekevinmcgowan.wordpress.com/]]<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 2s>>macros by [[leon arnott|http://l.j-factor.com/]]<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 3s>>lyrics by [[crystal castles|http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgKdyHcZJcs]]<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 4s>>- play [[again|Pure again]]<<endtimedinsert>>\n<<timedinsert 5s>>- play [[another text game|https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/167918054/Explain%20periods.html]]<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<fadeinsound "https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/167918054/Crystal%20Castles%20TRANSGENDER%20Official.mp3">>

Star/crossed, both of you. Star/muddled. Well and truly [[star/fucked.|Introductions]]

<<set $room = 4>>It's closed. On the other side you can hear speech, intermittent and low.\n\n[[Knock.]] / [[Don't.|The hall]]

You reach out, but jump to realise that your arm is <<print $length>> than expected.\n\nNo. That's not the problem. Your arm is now //exactly as long// as you expect it to be - as you //always// expected it to be. Your confusion arises from no longer having to compensate for [[reality's shortcomings.|Not alone]]

//<html>The snow came overnight and took most of the people with it. For some reason, it's the roads and railways</html>\n<html>you miss the most. Travelling takes time and everybody aches from head to foot.</html>//\n\n[[<|Star dream]][[^|Sleep.]][[>|Man dream]]

<html>bigger</html>

<html>Halfway</html> <html>between</html> <html>medicine</html> and <html>street</html> <html>magic,</html> <html>something</color> <html>incredible</html> is <html>happening</html> to <html>flesh</html> where <html>you</html> had <html>nerve endings /</html>\n<html>It</html> <html>cries out</html> to <html>you,</html> <html>snapping</html> <html>across</html> the <html>bright air,</html> <html>straining</html> and burning, <html>rebirthing</html> and <html>contracting /</html> You <html>can</html> feel <html>blood,</html>\n<html>human</html> <html>hot, </html><html>inside</html> and all <html>around</html> your surfaces and blood has never felt [[so|Fierce]]

You collapse back onto the sofa. The ==witch== doctor places a concerned hand on your shoulder. [[He says,|Concern]]

Halfway between <html> medicine</html> and street magic, something <html>incredible</html> is happening to <html>flesh</html> where you had <html>nerve endings /</html>\nIt <html>cries out</html> to you, <html>snapping</html> across the <html>bright air,</html> straining and burning, [[rebirthing|Contracting]]

Halfway between <html> medicine</html> and street magic, <html>something</html> <html>incredible</html> is happening to <html>flesh</html> where you had <html>nerve endings /</html>\nIt <html>cries out</html> to you, <html>snapping</html> across the <html>bright air,</html> straining and burning, <html>rebirthing</html> and contracting / You can [[hear|Feel]]

Kipper extends a hand. You rise from your seat to shake it but a wave of nausea attacks you out of nowhere.\nYour [[knees are weak.|Sit down]]

!!!!//<html>Medicine / magic</html>//\n//<html>Master both principles, work to reconcile healing / revolution. Never forget that borrowing from both</html>\n<html>means practicing neither.</html>

You don't remember coming through this way. You must have been carried after passing out.\nIt's bare, bleak, and the carpet is loose.\n\n<<if $room eq 1>>The [[bedroom door|Empty bedroom]] is behind you. The ==witch== doctor's flat has three others: the [[kitchen door,|Empty kitchen]] the\n[[living room door|Unempty living room]] and the [[front door.]]<<endif>><<if $room eq 2>>The [[kitchen door|Empty kitchen]] is behind you. The ==witch== doctor's flat has three others: the [[bedroom door,|Empty bedroom]] the\n[[living room door|Unempty living room]] and the [[front door.]]<<endif>><<if $room eq 3>>The [[front door|front door.]] is behind you. The ==witch== doctor's flat has three others: the [[kitchen door,|Empty kitchen]] the\n[[living room door|Unempty living room]] and the [[bedroom door.|Empty bedroom]]<<endif>><<if $room eq 4>>The [[living room door|Unempty living room]] is behind you. The ==witch== doctor's flat has three others: the [[kitchen door,|Empty kitchen]] the\n[[bedroom door|Empty bedroom]] and the [[front door.]]<<endif>>

<html>smaller</html>

//Phwoosh.// A sigh of relief. "Ta for that. Can't risk it, you know?"\n\nYou both look at Kipper.\n\n<<timedinsert 3s>>"Can't risk it."<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 4s>>[[*|Later]]<<endtimedinsert>>

Your ==witch== doctor is smoking tobacco and frying breakfast. Tomatoes, sausages, the whole deal.\n\n[[He says,|You'll need it]]

<<set $imokay = true>><<if $thankyou eq true>>He<<else>>The doctor<<endif>> nods. "Better than new. Absolutely perfect fit - you're going to be fine."\n\n[[Say something else.]] / [[Don't dare.]]

Your ==witch== doctor is smoking tobacco and frying breakfast. Tomatoes, sausages, the whole deal.\n\nHe says, "You'll need it." He says, "It's normally Gravy does the scran but she's over at Mam's all weekend."\n\nLord alone knows who Gravy is. You don't have much choice except to [[sit there and wait.|Lord.]]

The doctor looks up. "Ey! That'll be Kipper now."\n\nHe strides over, wiping greasy hands on his top, and [[opens the door.|Kipper]]

!//<html>WHAT HAVE YOU DONE</html>//\n\n[[*]]

<html>Halfway between medicine and street magic, something incredible is happening to flesh where</html> ==<html>you</html>== <html>had nerve endings /</html>\n<html>It cries out to</html> ==<html>you,</html>== <html>snapping across the bright air, straining and burning, rebirthing and contracting /</html> ==<html>You</html>== <html>can feel blood,</html>\n<html>human hot, inside and all around</html> ==<html>your</html>== <html>surfaces and blood has never felt so / so</html> //<html>fierce</html>//\n\n[[There is no going back now.|Options]]

<<set $room = 2>>'Clean' would be too generous. 'Safe for limited exposure' is probably nearer the mark. On the wall over the sink is a peeling <<if $poster gt 2>>poster<<else>>[[poster]]<<endif>> of strange diagrams and warnings.\n\nThe door to [[the hallway|The hall]] stands open.

The doctor wanders back in from the kitchen to take your empty mug. He says, "There, not so bad, was it?" [[He says,|Which way]]

"We'd best get youse both ready. C'mon, Kip, help me with this one."\n\n[[Whimper.]]

A knock on the door.\n\n[["You decent?"|Leaving]]

The doctor's head appears with a cigarette. "Come on, you've had a few hours. Let's get you [[out there."|Outside]]

The way you're staring, the doctor can see you're not comfortable. "Look, you always feel a bit iffy at first. The whole thing with the sedative won't have done you any favours, either. Beyond a fry-up and a lot of rest, there's nothin' else I can prescribe."\n\nThe thing with the sedative, [[yeah...]]

Your ==witch== doctor is smoking tobacco and frying breakfast. Tomatoes, sausages, the whole deal.\n\nHe says, "You'll need it." [[He says,|Gravy]]

Kipper was never <<if $size eq "bigger">><<display "bigger">><<else>><<display "smaller">><<endif>> <<if $yield eq "softer">><<display "softer">><<else>><<display "harder">><<endif>> <<if $texture eq "rougher">><<display "rougher">><<else>><<display "smoother">><<endif>> <<if $shape eq "rounder">><<display "rounder">><<else>><<display "sharper">><<endif>>. That was no more Kipper than the steaming body slumped on the bed\nwas //you.//\n\nBut Kipper drank a full dose of sedative, and [[you didn't.|Sedated]]

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You eat; salt is still good. You drink; water is still wet. Feeling much better in and of yourself, you swing your [[legs]]

.....\n\n[[shit]]

<<set $room = 3>>It's not locked, but you're not dressed. [[Don't risk it.|The hall]]

The doctor wanders back in from the kitchen to take your empty mug. [[He says,|Not so bad]]

Don't feel bad. The plant was [[dead anyway.|Dead]]

The first thing you see: on the bedside table is a plate piled high with fried breakfast food. The eggs (three) look perfect. Next to this, a pint glass filled with water.\n\n[[Eat.|Probably quite incapable of drinking coffee]] / [[Drink.|Probably quite incapable of drinking coffee]]

//Will you ever preserve, will you ever exhume?\nWill you watch petals shed from flowers in bloom?\n\nNothing can live up to promise\nNothing can stop its narrative\nNothing in place of catalysts\n<<timedinsert 5s>>And you'll never be<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 5.5s>>[[pure again|Surgery]]//<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<fadeoutsound "https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/167918054/Crystal%20Castles%20TRANSGENDER%20Official.mp3">>

<html>smoother</html>

<<display "Pure again">>

You reach out, but jump to realise that your arm is <<cyclinglink $length "shorter" "longer">> than expected.\n\nNo. That's not [[the problem.|Dysphoria]]

What have you done? //<html>What have you done?</html>//\n\nYou recognise these eyes from mirrors and they are terrified. Blood oozes from both corners. Sleep now runs in\nyour cells, dragging you back under, but Kipper is trapped in the howling streaming body you abandoned [[oh god]]

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You brace yourself and start to <<timedinsert 0.75s>>chug<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1.5s>>chug<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 2.25s>>[[chug.|Chug]]<<endtimedinsert>>

<html>rougher</html>

He looks up to greet you with an odd half-smile. [[He says,|How do you feel]]

<html>sharper</html>

You get to your feet and follow him [[into the hallway.|Hall]]

"Forget about it."\n\n[[Walk back towards your life.|False ending]]

//<html>Any closer and your ship could melt like so much chocolate in June. All the warning lights are flashing (and there are hundreds of warning lights on your big bright console). But the star in all its glory is almost within reach, and it looked mostly harmless from Earth.</html>//\n\n[[<|Man dream]][[^|Sleep.]][[>|Snow dream]]

He scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah, that. I guess it's just a case of accidents will happen, y'know. I can't -"\n\nHe pauses again, acting. These are particular words he had to learn for the occasion, and they seem to make him dislike himself. "- I can't accept any responsibility. If a situation //arose// where a client such as yourself or... any involvement by the bizzies would likely lead to prosecutions for both of us. Go in for an illegal service, you sort of opt out of certain consumer rights, see?"\n\n[[I see.]]

<html>Halfway</html> <html>between</html> <html>medicine</html> <html>and</html> <html>street</html> <html>magic,</html> <html>something</color> <html>incredible</html> is <html>happening</html> to <html>flesh</html> <html>where</html> <html>you</html> had <html>nerve endings /</html>\n<html>It</html> <html>cries out</html> to <html>you,</html> <html>snapping</html> <html>across</html> the <html>bright air,</html> <html>straining</html> and <html>burning,</html> <html>rebirthing</html> and <html>contracting /</html> You <html>can</html> <html>feel</html> <html>blood,</html>\n<html>human</html> <html>hot,</html> <html>inside</html> and all <html>around</html> <html>your</html> <html>surfaces</html> and <html>blood</html> has <html>never</html> felt so / so //[[fierce|Nothing]]//

The city returns to you in subtle new shades and angles. Another hit of //deja vu// makes you giddy -\n\n- that's the only way to describe it. Everything is new, everything is the exhilaration of the first time.\n\n<<timedinsert 4s>>But everything is in its place.<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 5s>>[[###]]<<endtimedinsert>>

You eat; salt is still good. You drink; water is still wet. Feeling much better in and of yourself, you swing your legs\n(slightly clumsy) out of bed and let them find the floor.\n\n[[Stand up.]]

Halfway between medicine and street magic, something <html>incredible</html> is happening to [[you|Flesh]]

Like what?\n\n<<if $thankyou eq false>>[[Thank you.]] /<<endif>> <<if $imokay eq false>>[[Am I okay?]] /<<endif>> [[Is Kipper okay?]]

Put your <html>hand</html> on the door / <html>foot</html> on the step / <html>eyes</html> on the pavement / <html>hair</html> in the rain / <html>voice</html> in the world and say [[cheers for everything,|Cheers]] one last time.

Kipper is so much <<cyclinglink $size "bigger" "smaller">> <<cyclinglink $yield "softer" "harder">> <<cyclinglink $texture "rougher" "smoother">> <<cyclinglink $shape "rounder" "sharper">> than you.\n\nYes. This is a body you're happy to live. No point disguising your shiver of pleasure at the prospect;\nKipper's eyeing up yours with exactly the same [[hunger.|Star crossed]]

He must have made it as a reminder for himself. Nobody else in Europe shares his exact trade.<<set $poster = $poster + 1>>\n<<if $poster eq 1>><<display "medicine and street magic">><<endif>><<if $poster eq 2>><<display "the starfucked">><<endif>><<if $poster eq 3>><<display "rehabilitation">><<endif>>\n\n[[v|Empty kitchen]]

You stammer something about innies and outies. Now you're //both// embarrassed.\n\nFortunately, [[the doorbell rings.|Doorbell]]

Your euphoria crashes headlong into a stomach-sick lurch, as if you'd left the gas on or the front door unlocked.\n\nYou [[look around|Alone after all]]

Halfway between <html> medicine</html> and street magic, something <html>incredible</html> is happening to <html>flesh</html> where you ==have== nerve endings /\nIt <html>cries out</html> to you, <html>snapping</html> across the bright air, straining and [[burning|Rebirthing]]

Someone's bike and a couple of bulging binbags lean on the wall by the front door. Everything is chipped and moist. You can hear the street outside.\n\nThe ==witch== doctor claps you on the shoulder. He says, "Good luck with it all. Give me a bell if you need anythin', if anythin' seems out of whack." He grins. "Go knock 'em dead, all right?"\n\n[[All right.]]

!!!!//<html>The star/fucked</html>//\n//<html>Don't tell them to be patient. They've been waiting all their lives for something everybody else takes for granted.</html>\n<html>Dealing with that burns up enough energy; they don't have any going spare to be fucking patient.</html>

Hot. Tastes of nothing very much.\n\n[[Sniff it.]] / [[Drink it down.]]

//<html>On a green hillside, he holds your wrists tight to swing you round and round and round. Your feet are flying away from the ground. While the dream lasts, you recognise him as your father, but of course this doesn't stand up to more rational analysis.</html>//\n\n[[<|Snow dream]][[^|Sleep.]][[>|Star dream]]

<<set $room = 1>>A big, soft mattress covered haphazardly with blankets. Your empty breakfast plate and glass.\nBiohack zines. Little else.\n\nThe door to [[the hallway|The hall]] stands open.

<html>Halfway</html> <html>between</html> <html>medicine</html> and street <html>magic,</html> <html>something</color> <html>incredible</html> is <html>happening</html> to <html>flesh</html> where <html>you</html> had <html>nerve endings. /</html>\n<html>It</html> <html>cries out</html> to <html>you,</html> <html>snapping</html> <html>across</html> the <html>bright air,</html> straining and burning, <html>rebirthing</html> and <html>contracting /</html> You can feel <html>blood,</html>\nhuman hot, <html>inside</html> and all around your [[skin|Surface area]]

The doctor tuts, sympathetic. He says, "It's not the nicest in the world, but it's better than going through the whole thing with your eyes wide open!"\n\n[[Feed the rest to a pot plant while his back's turned.]]

<html>harder</html>

He presses a mug into your hands. He says, "Drink that up, duck. It needs time to work."\n\n[[Sniff it.]] / [[Sip it.]] / [[Drink it down.]]

You grapple with the door handle, and then the familiar living room opens up before you.\n\nThe cushions have been stripped from the sofa to make a bed on the carpet. [[The doctor|Welcome back]] is crouched over it, tending to an unconscious Kipper. Amongst the debris on the bare sofa are flip-flops and several whole chicken legs.

!!!!//<html>Rehabilitation</html>//\n//<html>\nLife happens. No two people deal with it in the same way.</html>

You collapse back onto the sofa. The ==witch== doctor places a concerned hand on your shoulder. He says,\n"That'll be the sedative kickin' in."\n\n[[Mumble.]]

"Now you just relax, love. You're in safe hands."\n\n[[Pass out.]]

<<timedinsert 1s>>This living room is not a sleek lab of chrome and glass. [[Focus.]]<<endtimedinsert>>

Outside. Your heart quickens. Why does some part of you still feel ashamed, just for taking up space? Fuck that.\n//Fuck that.//\n\nThe doctor puts out [[a hand.|Hand]]

<<if $imokay eq true>>He<<else>>The doctor<<endif>> winks. "It's my pleasure, love. There's nothing else in the world I'd rather be doing."<<set $thankyou = true>>\n\n[[Say something else.]] / [[Don't dare.]]

whats ?\n\n\n\n what happen\n\n\n\n[[???]]

//Goodbye.// / //I did my best.// / //Be good.//\n\nYou descend in absolute silence, the doctor's hand on the wall behind you. It's too late by the time you come to [[the ground floor.|Ground floor]]

Almost at the bottom, the onion smell makes you [[gag.|Gag]]

//<html>Missing teeth, fillings. Tested clean on October 1st.</html>// Full medical disclosure: blood pressure, family histories, dietary habits, pounds and inches. //<html>Non-smoker. No HRT. No illegal substances.</html>//\n\nIt's making your heart ache, picturing the two of you filling out these forms. How excited you were to meet your match. You'd have taken anything of the right sex. Anything, anyone. Clean-living Kipper was a lucky break.\n\nYour own record isn't nearly so inticing, yet it was snapped up inside a day. All those people, hundreds of thousands, up and down the country, all across the world - the desperation is so vast. The pain is [[so vast.]]

It's only one word. Maybe that's why it's so hard to believe that you just heard your own voice. And for the first time ever, it wasn't embarrassing.\n\n[[Laugh uncontrollably for three minutes.|Laughing]]

On the way past the living room, you look for a last glimpse of your old body, but the sofa has been reassembled and it's nowhere to be seen.\n\nYou're being led to [[the staircase.|Le spirit d'escalier]]

<<timedinsert 1s>><html>Later.</html> You know it's later because you keep thinking about it.\n\nBack in the bedroom, alone again. You're dressed in Kipper's clothes; the feeling of strangeness is overbearing. Every inch of flesh is alive with sensation.\n\nOn your lap are the [[documents]] you both brought with you this morning. The ones you sent to each other three weeks ago, via the ==witch== doctor, like spies.<<endtimedinsert>>

The doctor guides you to a seat on the bare sofa. He snickers along and fetches you a glass of water. Soon, you stop shaking for long enough to drink it.\n\n[[Say something else.]] / [[Don't dare.]]<<set $thankyou = false>><<set $imokay = false>>

He scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah, that. I guess it's just a case of accidents will happen, y'know. I can't -"\n\nHe pauses again, [[acting.]]

It's closed. On the other side you can hear speech, intermittent and low.\n\nKnock. <<timedinsert 0.75s>>Knock.<<endtimedinsert>> <<timedinsert 1.5s>>Knock.<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedinsert 4s>>[["Come in."|Come in]]<<endtimedinsert>>

The doctor wanders back in from the kitchen to take your empty mug. He says, "There, not so bad, was it?" He says,\n"Fuckin' hell, you know I hardly even remember bein' introduced? Which way are you goin' again?"\n\nYou look like a deer in the headlights.\n\n<<mouseoverlink [[Stammer]] "I'm a boy." "Er I think">> / <<mouseoverlink [[Stammer]] "I'm a girl." "Um well I">>

Halfway between <html> medicine</html> and street magic, something <html>incredible</html> is happening to flesh where you have nerve endings /\nIt <html>cries out</html> to you, [[flashing|Snapping]]

Kipper extends a hand. You rise from your seat to [[shake it|Dizzy]]

<<if $imokay eq false and $thankyou eq false>>The doctor<<else>>He<<endif>> hesitates. "Can't say for sure yet," he shrugs, "but don't fret. It's not a big deal."\n\nThe sight of that body is cause enough for fretting. The shapes you spent years hating, touching them against the world and wiping them clean of its endless filth, are covered by a sheet. [[Kipper's in there somewhere.]]

<<cyclinglink "you are awake" "so it must be over" "but it is not over" "so you must still be under but">>\n\n<<timedinsert 10s>>Your body is [[screaming.|Screaming]]<<endtimedinsert>>